Out of the Cold Ashes: Since I Last Blogged

It's been quite a while since my last post before I left for Costa Rica in 2017. Since then I've lived in Costa Rica for three months, visited Vancouver, experienced heart anguish and growing pains in 2018, stepped into myself in 2019, found my Soulmate, got married, and had my first child during a global pandemic! Here's a few highlights of what I have learned and experienced.

Costa Rica was one of the greatest experiences I've ever had, full of shedding layers and shifting awareness. When I left, I believed that I would be living with my romantic partner at the time, but after a week, he told me that his emotions could not handle me living with him and that I needed to move out. One week later, I had been relocated to a hostel in the heart of Puerto Viejo de Telemanca. One month later, I moved in with one of my soul sisters, Quisha and lived with her and her host, Christian for two months until my departure. I quickly learned that Puerto Viejo is a nexus of energy (I'm told it lies on the same earth lay lines as the Bermuda and Easter Islands) where those visiting are prompted to embrace growth, or if they resist this change, find the area disharmonious and undesirable. I myself transverse the emotional phases of betrayal, abandonment, creative and curious exploration, learning to live my authentic self and that my true authentic self was worthy of being loved and treasured the very way that I desired. The life pace was slower here and beautiful, surrounded in many forms of art by way of artisan crafts and music as well as body-soul awareness in healthy fresh food, meditation, and yoga. I began my journey of healing my "fawn spots" (aka tinea versicolor or pityriasis versicolor) while in Costa Rica and owning myself.

2018 was a trial of its own. I was implementing all that I had learned and affirmed in Costa Rica, now in the western society of the US. I had scheduled myself with pet sitting jobs with a peak of three homes at the same time, modeling, art projects, while working as a personal assistant for at least eight members. The day before my birthday, my close friend's son, Bennett passed away from health complications, my PTSD was triggered multiple times by one of the members I served as a personal assistant for, and one of the Peruvian mare I was pet sitting got caught in cow fencing which could have easily resulted in her needing to be put down if it was severe enough. I pushed myself to my limits repeatedly this year. A few silver linings included prioritizing my boundaries and resigning from being the stress-inducing member's personal assistant, a full recovery of the Peruvian mare where she now has full use of her leg, establishing a Women's Circle group, and traveling with Quisha to Vancouver! In Canada, I was honored to meet her Native American grandparents who welcomed me into a sweat lodge ceremony where I prayed to enter my "Mother" phase of life, graduating from the maiden season to enter womanhood fully, and I also learned the energetic and emotional root of my "fawn spots" from a book called, Your Body Speaks Your Mind by Deb Sharpiro. I learned that not addressing my sexual assault experiences in college or holding my boundaries, led to my skin condition spreading across my body. Gaining this knowledge and embarking on healing from my root cause, helped me at last alleviate my skin condition within a year or two.

2019 was the year that I focused more on the material societal world in order to learn how to navigate it well (as opposed to my spiritually oriented self). I accepted a job beginning as a day spa's receptionist, eventually leaving my personal assistant occupation in order to serve in a managerial position at the spa. I challenged myself to finally embrace being a person of high authority and embraced running the spa from supplies and customer interactions, to overseeing the other employees there, acting as the intermediary to the business owner who lived out of state. It was here that I met my Soulmate, Chase. We have a brief humorous story of how we met, which I will share in another post, but suffice to say there was a strong pull with an ancient inaudible voice, intangible, yet clearly felt like the ocean's undertow in lieu of a storm. We began dating in April, and were engaged in November, later marrying in May of 2020. We transitioned from living in my house with roommates, to his grandmother's house, and then to my parent's house right as covid shut down businesses in March of 2020.

I thought 2018 was my toughest year, but I didn't know what the years of covid would bring. None of us did. My husband lost his job, finding a better work environment at a chiropractic office, we had car issues, a tiny wedding of only 20 attendees and no other nuptial celebrations. I returned to work and became pregnant, working right up to the day before I gave birth (which is another story that I will post later for your enjoyment). Over the recent years of 2020 and 2021, we have struggled deeply with jobs, finances, connection and support admits these rapid changes. These repeated opportunities to find my inner contentment and peace (spurred by unforeseen changes and stress) has been a challenge that I have not often been graceful with. There has been many waves of despair and anger mixed into seemingly small joys. Sometimes, it's hard to count your blessings. It is hard for me to stay home even though I know we cannot afford daycare for our infant son, because I feel like I am not working hard enough for our family -despite my son rarely staying still and almost constantly dismantling something. It is hard for me to make peace with not having established ourselves in our own house. But there are hidden jewels along the way. --Like finally recalibrating after postpartum chemicals have cycled through my body, having ample bonding time with my beloved son, living with my parents who are INVALUABLE in their help with Seth so that Chase and I can have a full night's rest, or whenever I'm at a lost with baby knowledge and expertise.

Sometimes, despite the struggles, and the rifling, it's important to make your world small again. Focus on your nucleus. Count your small blessings and your small joys. Release agitation -or take a walk (Lord knows I've walked a record amount this year!). Release the agitation. It is not worth your energy. Focus on your joys. Feed your delight, even if only a little. After all, a flame begins with an ember.